


I created a monster, a beast inside my brain

by tonyjasper99



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Bullying, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, Spiders, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26304583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonyjasper99/pseuds/tonyjasper99
Summary: Jon has never been the kind to trust easily, to allow himself to be vulnerable and give another person his secrets. He learned early on in life that there was no point in being open if no one was going to believe him anyway. Mr. Spider taught him that.or three times Jon talks about Mr. Spider and one time he is believed.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 7
Kudos: 91
Collections: Rusty Quill Big Bang 2020





	1. Lost friends are seeping into my head

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote this fic for [pilesofnonsense](https://pilesofnonsense.tumblr.com/) Rusty Quill Big Bang 2020 event. The artist I was paired with is [martinsmurderousintnent](https://martinsmurderousintent.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr! 
> 
> The title for this fic is from Nightmare by Set It Off  
> The title for this chapter is from Afraid by Anavae

Jon spent most of the afternoon curled up in his reading nook, staring out at the storms, while flipping through a copy of _Lord of the Flies_. He had honestly already become bored with the book and wanted to go outside, but a few days prior he had lost track of time and didn’t come home by nightfall. Saying his grandmother was disappointed when the police had to bring him home was an understatement. In his defense, he had been bored and went on a walk and suddenly the sun was well below the horizon. Since then, he hadn’t been allowed back outside and being trapped indoors was starting to drive Jon stir-crazy.

Jon looked over at the wall in front of him and saw a small brown spider scuttling up it. He spent a few seconds staring at the spider, wondering where it was going. _Where did the spider live?_ he pondered. Part of him was curious if it made its nest in his room or if it was somewhere else like the attic. In the end though he had decided it wasn’t big enough of a deal to spend any longer on, and he went downstairs to talk to his grandmother.

“Can I go outside?” Jon asked her, knowing the answer that was to come.

“Absolutely not,” she said sternly, “not after Wednesday’s escapade.” She looked up from chopping onions to look Jon in the eye and sighed. “Plus, it’s pouring outside, you could get sick.”

“There’s nothing to do. I’m almost done with my last book, there isn’t anything good on the television, and now you’re trapping me in this house.” Jon crossed his arms and snapped back.

“Look Jon, you can’t just disappear for seventeen hours with no explanation and expect me to let you go back out three days later when it’s storming. I’m going to town tomorrow so I will stop by the shops and get you some books, okay? In the meantime, you can come and help me cook butter chicken. You might have fun.” Ruth smiled at her grandson and he went over and grabbed his stool. Even though she was being nice and inviting him to cook with her, he could tell she didn’t really want him there. She wasn’t the best at hiding her resentment though, so he was used to it. Cooking with her at least gave him something to do, so he decided to put up with it.

True to her word, the next day, Jon woke to find his grandmother had brought him a box full of books from all the local charities and second-hand bookshops. When Jon heard her come home, he rushed downstairs to help her bring the boxes in and began searching through them, looking for anything good. While looking through the books, Jon found a dictionary, a textbook, a few classics including _The Grapes of Wrath_ and another copy of _Lord of the Flies_. Amongst the pile there were also a few cardboard children’s books which Jon always hated. 

Every time Jon saw that his grandmother had brought him home these children’s books, he couldn’t help to feel a bit insulted. Deep down, he knew it wasn’t an intentional attack on his intelligence, but he couldn’t help but feel like it was. Among the books that taunted young Jon were _Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See,_ and _The Very Hungry Caterpillar._ They were books for toddlers and he was at a reading level equivalent to that of a seventeen year old.

However, there was one book that stood out. _A Guest for Mr. Spider._ It was a monochrome cardboard children’s book that made Jon feel off. It was suddenly as if the only thing he could focus on was the book and with it came a heavy feeling of dread. He hated it immediately, yet he _knew_ that he was going to read it, which he hated even more. The book didn’t even have a summary on the back. It instead had a roughly drawn caricature of a spider with an oversized abdomen, eight long legs, and a red bowler hat. Jon sighed, got up, and took the book up to his room. He went and crawled into his reading nook, which was undoubtedly his favorite spot, and opened it.

Jon blinked as he realized three things. One: he was on the ground. Two: the book was no longer in his possession. Three: his hand was balled up into a fist. He wasn’t quite sure why it was, though there was a faint _knock_ repeating in the back of his mind and he had the urge to act it out.

A familiar and dreadful voice helped Jon come more to his senses when he looked up and saw Matthew Woods standing over him. “I thought Little Einstein here didn’t read kiddie books,” the eighteen-year-old sneered at Jon, book in hand. Whenever he would see Jon he would do his best to make the young kid’s life hell, whether it be through name-calling, stealing his stuff, or even the occasional beating. Jon suspected it was because he was jealous that an eight year old was smarter than him, but knew it was best to usually keep his mouth quiet about that.

Jon, unsure of how he had ended up in this situation, started to stand up and brush himself off. “Leave me alone, Woods,” he said, groaning internally at the grass stains he already knew his grandmother would be upset about. “Give me back my book.” Jon stared at the bully, demanding, but the fact that he was smaller than his classmates mixed with the offender being over twice his age made retrieving the book quite difficult.

“Yeah, I don’t think so, Pipsqueak.” Matthew shoved him to the side and started flipping through the book. As he turned the pages, his focus seemed to shift from Jon to the book. He began to walk away, ignoring the child’s attempts to retrieve the book. In a way, Jon thought his footsteps seemed almost mechanical. Jon was confused since it was usually impossible to get Matthew to leave him alone, but there he was, walking away on his own. Maybe Jon should’ve counted it as a blessing that his bully decided to leave him alone, but he was determined to get that book back, so he followed.

Jon didn’t know how long he was walking, travelling down alleys and side streets, but by the time he really started to pay attention it was nightfall. He grumbled, knowing he was going to get in trouble with his grandmother for disappearing again, but thought that if he was already in trouble, he might as well leave with what he came for.

Jon ran and jumped on the bully and tried climbing up him, but the bigger man just shrugged him off and kept walking down the street they were on, not paying any attention to him. Jon realized he was heading towards a house and assumed it must be his own and yelled at Matthew.

“Give me back my book, Matthew!” Jon tried to say, but the bully didn’t respond. Instead he went up to the door and placed the book upon it. Jon thought this was odd and at this point had quieted down and moved so he could see what was happening better. He saw a page on the book with a door covered in stains, which Jon now remembered resembled blood, and he watched as Matthew brought his fist up to the book and rapped on it twice. 

‘KNOCK KNOCK,’ Jon could almost see the words clearly in his mind, but it’s what happened next that changed the young boy’s life.

The door began to open, revealing nothing inside but darkness. A moment later, thin strands shot out of the darkness and wrapped around Matthew’s limbs, rendering him incapable of moving. Jon watched Matthew struggle, but he was paralyzed with fear, not knowing what he was witnessing in front of him. The next thing that he saw was two long limbs covered in coarse black hairs stretch out and wrap around Jon’s tormentor. Matthew started to scream, but it was cut off as he was quickly pulled into the doorway in front of him with the door slamming shut behind him, leaving no trace of what just happened there.

Jon didn’t know when he started running or how long it had been, just that he had to get away from that house. Jon ran until he reached the coast, collapsing to the ground. His mind was racing, and he couldn’t process what he had just witnessed. He knew Matthew was taken, but he was confused about what had taken him. He could have sworn it was a spider, a big, human-like spider. That didn’t make any sense though. Things like that didn’t exist. However, no matter how much he tried to rationalize that it wasn’t a spider, Jon knew what he had seen.

Suddenly, Jon realized something. Matthew was taken because he knocked on the book. _Jon’s_ book. And the only reason Matthew had it was because he took it from Jon right before he was able to knock on it.

When it hit Jon exactly how close he had been to being the one who was taken, he didn’t know how to react. He sat there for a few moments, silent, listening to the waves sweeping over the rocks. A tear rolled down his cheek, working its way down to the young boy’s chin. Then another, and another, until there was a steady stream and Jon was curled in a ball on the sand. Jon should be dead, and the only reason he wasn’t was because Matthew decided to bully him and take his book, unknowingly saving him while also dooming himself.

Jon continued to lay there until he finally stopped crying, and then he sat up and leaned back against a rock. He knew he should find his way home, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Between the mixture of fear from what he witnessed and the guilt, Jon felt powerless. As he sat there, Jon started to feel distant and dizzy, no longer in his own body. Numbing his feelings and senses and allowing him to feel disconnected from the world around him for a while.

Unable to focus on his surroundings, Jon didn’t notice when the cop car pulled up, or when the officer came to talk to him. Jon vaguely recognized that there was the face of Officer Jules in front of him, but he couldn’t think or say any words and just stared blankly back at him. Officer Jules looked down at the eight-year-old in front of him, dissociated and covered in sand and dried tears and sighed.

“Okay Jon,” he said as he reached down and scooped the young boy up in his arms, carrying him back to the car, “let’s take you home. Your grandmother’s been worried about you.” Jon didn’t fight back or argue, staring out the window in silence as he was driven home, unable to think of anything to say.

Jon felt the cop car come to a gentle stop and opened his eyes to see his house, along with a silhouette of his grandmother by the door, arms crossed. Officer Jules helped him out of the car and led him up to the house. Ruth was absolutely furious, but as she got a closer look at his disheveled clothing and filthy, tear-stained face, she softened. Jon and his grandmother weren’t known to show affection through physical means that often, but in that moment, he couldn’t help himself and he went up and wrapped his arms around her waist, starting to silently sob.

Ruth led Jon to the living room and sat him down on the couch, handing him a cup of tea and telling him she’d be back before going off to talk to the officer. Jon sat in silence, staring at his tea, knowing he was going to have to explain what just happened to his grandmother. How because of him a person was dead and how he did nothing to stop it from happening. He knew he should’ve told the cop, but he was scared, and he wanted his grandma there to protect him. Maybe it wasn’t rational thinking, but with the world being upside-down, Jon was tired of thinking rationally for once.

Once Jon’s grandmother was done talking to Officer Jules, she came and sat on the sofa across from Jon. A lot of the time you could tell Ruth resented the fact she had to raise another child, especially with the fact that her own was gone, but the look on her face was one of pure concern and love. He was her grandchild after all. This wasn’t the first time the cops had dragged Jon home from his late night wanderings before, but she had never seen him in such a state. Obviously something was wrong.

Ruth, making sure to talk as gently as she could, asked the young boy in front of her, “Are you okay Jon? What happened?” The young boy looked up at her and opened his mouth, and then closed it, not knowing what to say yet. She got up and sat next to him, wrapping her arms around him. “It’s okay, take your time.”

“It’s Matthew,” the young boy whispered, “he’s dead.” Jon brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “He’s dead and it’s my fault.”

Upon hearing that the young adult who sometimes tended to her yard was now dead, she had a knee jerk surprised reaction. She had many questions, but she also had a very shaken child in front of her. Jon’s grandmother gently rubbed his back, “are you able to talk about what happened?” she asked. Jon nodded, even though tears were starting to fill his eyes and he was staying silent.

After a few minutes, Jon finally started to speak. “It was the book. I was reading it and he took it from me, and it started controlling him or something.” Once he started talking about what happened, he couldn’t stop, the words just flowed out of him, faster and faster as he began to panic as he remembered what had happened. “He walked to this one house I didn’t recognize, and I followed him because I wanted my book back and when he got there, he was taken by some spider creature. He didn’t stand a chance it was so big; it was bigger than he was, and it just dragged him in before he could even scream for help. All I could do was watch as it all happened; I couldn’t do anything.”

Jon’s grandmother pulled him close and tried to calm down the panicking boy, shushing him and calmly saying, “it’s all okay, it was just a bad dream. You probably went to the beach and fell asleep and had a nightmare, you know how sometimes it’s hard to tell when those are fake.”

Jon pushed himself away from his grandmother. “It wasn’t a dream!” he said, raising his voice. “Matthew is dead, and it could have been me. It should have been me! I have grass stains on my pants from where he pushed me, and I know what I saw happen!” Jon didn’t know what he was feeling. Maybe he was angry that his grandma was doubting him or betrayed or maybe even dejected.

Ruth sighed, “Matthew wasn’t taken by some spider creature and is probably home asleep or playing games right now. It’s just your imagination.” Now that she had determined that her grandson was okay and was in no danger and wasn’t hurt, she was ready to move past this conversation. “I don’t want to ground you for staying out so late because I can tell you are pretty shaken up from your nightmare, but if you keep yelling I just might.”

Jon threw up his hands, “it wasn’t a nightmare I swear!” at this point he couldn’t contain his frustration and hot tears started streaming down his face, “why can’t you believe me? I am telling you the truth. I could have died tonight and someone else died because of it.”

Jon’s grandmother shook her head and groaned, “look Jon, it was just a nightmare. I am done arguing with you over this so if you want to keep fighting just go to your room.” Ruth got up and walked off into the kitchen, leaving the young boy to himself.

Jon, feeling rejected and wanting to scream and cry, got off the couch and ran up to his room, slamming the door behind him. He jumped into his bed and curled up, burying his face into his pillow and he sobbed. He knew what he saw, and he knew it sounded ridiculous, but it was the truth! Worse is that his grandmother refused to believe him. Jon let himself cry for a while, and when he had no tears left, he laid on his side and stared at the wall. He knew he should go get food, but he didn’t have an appetite and he would rather do anything else than see his grandmother right then.

It was while he was staring at the wall that he noticed something moving that shouldn’t be there. At first, he didn’t know what it was, but he soon realized it was none other than a common house spider. That’s when Jon lost it. He started screaming, throwing himself into the corner, trying to get as far away from it as possible, and threw everything next to him at it including a few of his books, pillows, and stuffed animals. Ruth ended up having to take the spider outside to finally calm Jon down.

After about three days, Matthew’s mom reported him missing, saying that he never came home. Jon tried telling his grandmother that he was telling the truth and that he should go tell the police, but she kept insisting it was all just a bad dream and that telling the police would be a waste of their time. Jon, as stubborn as he was, was determined to tell the police and let them know what happened to Matthew. He felt like his family at least deserved the truth.

In the days since the incident, Jon hadn’t been able to bring himself to leave the house. Every time he had tried, he would flash back to holding that book in the park, and not a clue how he had gotten there. How it had almost led to his death. How it had killed Matthew. After a week of this though, he had his mind set to go to the station and talk to the police.

He slowly crept up to the door and grabbed the knob, feeling the anxiety creeping up on him and his hands began to shake violently. He took a deep breath and pushed the wave of feelings down as best he could and walked out the door and started heading east towards the station. The further he got from the house, the stronger the feeling of needing to run home got, but he pushed through it, eventually making it to the station.

When he got there, the lady at the front desk saw how bad he was shaking and immediately led him into a private room where he could sit and calm down. 

A few minutes passed before she returned, bringing him a cup of tea. “What are you doing here, darling?” the lady asked him. She looked at Jon, making sure he wasn’t hurt, and was clearly concerned for him.

Jon put the teacup down, asking the receptionist, “Is Officer Jules here? I need to talk to him about something.”

“No, but we have other officers available if you need help,” she offered.

“Can you call him? Please, it’s about Matthew Woods. I just really need to talk to him.” Jon knew there were other cops and that maybe he was being ridiculous, but Officer Jules knew him personally and he knew he would believe him. He had seen the state Jon was in the night it had happened. He had to believe him.

The woman sighed and nodded, “Alright, I will call him. There’s no guarantee he will come in, but he is a softie so we will see. What’s your name?”

“Jonathan Sims. Thank you.” The woman left and Jon was alone, listening to the sound of the ticking from the clock on the wall, waiting to hear if Officer Jules was going to come or not. After about fifteen minutes, the receptionist knocked on the window, smiling and giving a nod, and Jon relaxed. He was going to be able to tell Officer Jules what happened to Matthew and tell the family and maybe even be able to find out more about what happened.

Jon waited in the room for about thirty minutes before Officer Jules showed up. Upon walking into the room and seeing Jon, he immediately walked over and ruffled the young boy’s hair. “Hello Einstein!” Officer Jules exclaimed, sending a wave of pain through Jon. Jon didn’t respond, but did wave at the policeman. Officer Jules sat across from Jon and then got a more serious look to him. “I heard you had something to tell me about Matthew, yes?” Officer Jules asked, making sure to talk with a soft and calm tone to make sure to not scare or intimidate the young boy.

Jon nodded and took a deep breath, “yes, that’s right. Sorry for making you come in, just, I trust you.” Jon looked down at his hands and noticed they were starting to shake again. “He was taken on Sunday. I saw it happen, but I was too scared, and I didn’t and I’m sorry and- “

“Hey kid, it’s okay calm down, take it easy.” Jon had started rambling, thinking about how he just watched Matthew be taken by the spider, but didn’t do anything or tell the officer when he found him along the beach, and didn’t realize until Officer Jules cut him off.

Jon takes a deep breath and takes a few seconds before trying again, recounting the story as calmly as he can manage. “It all started with this book that my grandmother got me. I started reading it at home, but somehow I ended up in the park with it and that’s where I ran into Matthew.”

Jon made sure the officer was paying attention before continuing. “You know how he likes to bully me around sometimes, and this time he took the book from me and that’s when it started to get weird.” Jon paused, “weirder, I guess.”

“He started reading it and walked away, completely ignoring me, until he came to a strange house. He put the book up to the door and he knocked on it and-“ Jon paused, nervous about what he was going to say next. His own grandma didn’t believe him, but this was a police officer, this was different. “-and the door opened, and he was kidnapped by a huge spider creature.”

As soon as Jon finished, Officer Jules' face fell, and Jon knew what was happening. “I know it sounds crazy, but you have to believe me!” he said, his tone rising in desperation, “Matthew was taken by some monster. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do, but maybe there is, or, at least, you can let his mom know what happened.” 

Jon finally looked up at Officer Jules, who had quietly been listening to Jon’s statement the entire time. Officer Jules closed his eyes, lowered his head, and sighed. “There’s no such thing as monsters, Jon. Sometimes we see things that are scary and our brain changes what we think we saw to make it easier. You could’ve seen someone take him, but your brain might’ve told you it was a spider to protect you.” Officer Jules grabbed a sketchpad, saying, “I want you to focus really hard on what you remember from that night. Do you remember seeing anyone nearby or any strange vehicles that stood out?”

Jon stood up, balling his fists at his side. “I know what I saw! I’m not making it up and he wasn’t taken by some person. That stupid book led him to that house where the spider was waiting, and it took him!”

Listening to himself yelling it out loud, he heard how idiotic he sounded. If he hadn’t witnessed it firsthand, he knew he wouldn’t believe the story either. He thought about how his grandma kept telling him it was all just a bad dream and about how now, Officer Jules, a person who he was told he could always trust, was telling him it was just something his brain was making up and he felt betrayed. 

The young boy stood up, head hanging and started to rub his arm. “Okay, well, I’m sorry officer. I’m just going to go, I think. Sorry I- “

“Jon, no, wait. I didn’t mean it like I don’t believe you, just- “

“No, I get it. Just, I don’t know, sorry I made you come in.” Jon, feeling defeated, left the room and walked out the doors to the station, choosing to not respond when the receptionist asked about their talk and instead just shrugged.

Jon decided from that point on, that it was useless to try telling people what happened. They all thought he just dreamt it, or it was his imagination, and the worst part was, Jon knew if he was hearing it from someone else, he wouldn’t believe them either. For years to come, he wouldn’t tell another person, and even though he looked and tried to figure out what happened on his own, he was never able to find the spot where the incident with Mr. Spider had taken place again. Jon would never forget though, and anytime he would see a spider he would be seized by panic, unable to control the overwhelming feelings of dread. He would also go on to become even more of a recluse than he already was, not wanting to get hurt by the people he trusted again.


	2. Tell me everything that happened, Tell me everything you saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon hasn't told anyone what had happened since leaving the police station. Now that he's grown up and gone to uni, is it worth trying again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some drinking and some smoking in this chapter btw
> 
> Chapter title is from Dead Hearts by Stars

_ Their bodies are still, and their blood is cold _

_ The book is closed, and the story told _

_ No ‘Happy Ever After’ for a tale so old _

_ Laid in blood when the battle has done _

“The End.”

Jon put his mic back on its stand as the stage light dimmed, turning to his bandmates as the pub goers cheered. “Good job guys, I’ll see you at practice on Tuesday alright?” A few of the bandmates responded saying they would be there, and the others just waved or minded their own business while packing up their instruments. Jon and his bandmates didn’t really talk much outside of practice and performing, so Jon went on ahead to the bathroom to wash off his makeup.

Looking at himself in the mirror, Jon didn’t recognize himself. He had eyeliner and had used face paint to create markings that looked like veins radiating from his eyes. He was dressed head to toe in a steampunk pirate outfit and he looked like someone who was comfortable with themselves. Jon washed off the makeup and went into one of the stalls to change, taking off his outfit and binder in exchange for a baggy shirt and oversized Oxford hoodie.

Jon wasn’t the confident and bold type, but when he was on stage with his bandmates, he was able to let loose for a while. The anxiety never left, not truly, but he was able to express himself through the music. After the show though, he would go back to the version of himself that hid from everyone around him.

After deeming himself presentable, Jon grabbed his bag and cane and headed towards the bar. His joints were acting up, plus he had been stressed out by classes so he thought a drink wouldn’t hurt. After getting a pint, he went and sat at an empty table in the back of the pub. Jon sat his bag down on the chair next to him and grabbed  _ The Book Thief _ from his bag and opened it to where he left off and started reading.

A voice soon drew his attention away from the book. “Is it okay if I sit here?” Jon looked up and saw a woman around his age standing next to the table, gesturing at the chair with his bag on it.

“Oh, of course,” Jon stammered, “let me just move my bag real fast, sorry about that.”

Once Jon had slung his bag over the back of his chair, the woman sat down and introduced herself. “Hello, I’m Georgie Barker.” Now that she was sitting, Jon was able to see her better. Georgie was a tall beautiful woman with dark brown skin, brown eyes, and tight shoulder-length curls. She extended her hand, and Jon reached to grab it, knocking into his drink and nearly tipping it over. 

“Sorry!” Jon exclaimed as he quickly moved to catch it, making Georgie laugh.

“Dude, calm down. You seem so high-strung.” Jon could feel his cheeks turning red and it took everything he had to not physically sink into his seat. “Anyways,” Georgie continued, “what’s your name?”

He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself before he introduced himself. “Jon. Jonathan Sims. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. You did a good job up there earlier. Wouldn’t have guessed it was you though, based on how you act now. You seem like a totally different person.”

Jon didn’t know how to respond to this and took a moment trying to find his words. “Yeah, sorry. I guess it’s easier to let go when no one knows me and I’m putting on a persona. I’m nothing like that, as I’m sure you can tell.” Jon started to fidget with his hands under the table, feeling awkward and wanting to leave the conversation.

“It’s good to be able to “let go” every so often. I’ve seen you around on campus, always alone and always with your nose in a book. You seem the quiet type. Quiet, but cool.”

“Thanks?” Jon smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I haven’t seen you around, perhaps because, as you said, I’m “always looking at a book”, but I’m sure you’re “cool” too.”

Georgie smiled at Jon and pulled out a notebook and pen. “Here is my number. If you ever want to hang out, just text me. I think that we would be good friends, and no offense, but you look like the kind of guy who needs some friends.” Georgie passed Jon her number and got up and left, leaving Jon alone at the pub once again.

Jon finished his drink and went back to his dormitory to get ready for bed. After he showered and brushed his teeth, he climbed into bed and stared at the paper with Georgie’s number on it. He had never been given anyone’s number before. While she seemed nice, and he could use a friend, the thought of texting her made his anxiety spike. After debating for about ten minutes, Jon decided that he was going to message her and pulled out his phone, typing the message and hitting send before he had the time to convince himself not to do it.

_ Hey. I hope you made it home safe. – Jon _

Jon closed his eyes and put his phone down on his chest and took a deep breath. He was proud of himself. He normally wouldn’t have done that, but he did it anyways. A moment later his phone buzzed, and he saw a response from Georgie.

_ I did, thank you :) _

Jon let out a small laugh and put his phone on his nightstand and put his hood up, turning onto his side. Maybe university wasn’t going to be as lonely as he thought.

A few days after meeting Georgie in the pub, Jon was sitting alone in the Balliol College dining hall picking at his plate of spaghetti and salad. He wasn’t that hungry and instead was preoccupying himself with reading Oscar Wilde’s  _ The Picture of Dorian Gray _ for his English class. He remembered reading it when his grandmother brought it home for him when he was younger, but he had convinced himself it was for the better to reread it to have it fresh in his mind for class.

Jon, exhausted from not sleeping the night before, barely noticed his phone buzzing in his pocket before checking it and seeing a message from Georgie.

_ I see you! :p _

Jon put his book down and looked around the dining hall, trying his best to pinpoint Georgie, but to no avail. He didn’t know if it was because he was tired or she was really good at hiding. Perhaps, he thought, she was just messing with him and wasn’t even in the building at all. Jon took out his phone and quickly sent a response back reading,  _ Where are you? _

Almost as soon as Jon hit send on the message, he felt something tapping on his shoulder, causing him to jump, hitting his knee on the table, letting out a small yelp. Jon’s hands flew up to cover his mouth as he turned around to see Georgie standing there laughing, and he felt his face turning red from the embarrassment.

Georgie stood there laughing at him and patted him lightly on the back. “You’re so tense, Jonny Boy. You need to chill out.” She let out a chuckle and took a seat next to Jon. “So, why are you sitting here all by your lonesome self?” Georgie questions, motioning to the empty area around Jon.

“I suppose I just like to be alone.” 

He gave Georgie a smile, hoping she wouldn’t read too much into it. It wasn’t a lie; he did like being by himself. He also just didn’t have any friends. He was an awkward person who either talked entirely too much, or didn’t want to talk at all. If he wasn’t careful, he could go on long rambles about random topics that he had read about, ranging anywhere from the history of computers to the emulsifying agents in ice cream.

By just looking at Georgie, Jon was able to tell she didn’t buy the whole ‘liked sitting alone’ excuse. She slowly nodded, saying, “riiiiight, well, I hope it isn’t too much of an intrusion on your private time if I sit with you from now on is it?” She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, waiting for Jon to answer.

Jon was taken aback, and it took a moment for him to find his words. “Oh, that’s- yeah. That’s okay, I don’t mind at all.” Jon paused and thought for a second. “Are you sure? I’ve been told that I'm not great company.” As he finished speaking, Jon started to rub his arm and look down, avoiding eye contact with Georgie. He didn’t want to start making a friend with someone and have them think he was cool because he was in a band, just to find out that he was actually just a shy loser with no friends.

Jon felt fingers grasp under his chin and lift his head up until Georgie had him facing her; her smile gone and now replaced with a serious face. “Jonathan Sims. Do not talk shit about yourself. I am sure that you are a very fine human being and if not, oh well. That’s for me to find out on my own.” Georgie took her hand from his chin and gave him a soft pat on the cheek before turning to her bowl of watercress soup. “So, what are you reading?” Georgie’s tone had gone back to normal, sounding to Jon as if she hadn’t just gotten onto him about how he was talking about himself.

“Um,” Jon started, picking up the book to show Georgie the cover, “ _ The Picture of Dorian Gray. _ I read it when I was little, but I figured I should try to reread it, so I have a better grasp about what happened in it for class. I’m not a fan of reading books multiple times and my grandma brought it home for me when I was like eleven or twelve so it’s not a fun read and- oh, sorry, I’m rambling.” Jon put the book down and pulled his plate of food towards him and started twirling the cold spaghetti around his fork. “So, why are you hanging out with me of all people? With your charisma you could have any friend you want.”

Georgie chuckled at that statement. “Thanks, but most people I’ve talked to here are either a dick or putting on a show. You though, you seem genuine. Even though you’re in a band you don’t make it who you are, and I can tell that it is just a way for you to get away from yourself for a while. This is who you are though, and you aren’t trying to hide it, and I like that.” She gave him a nudge in the shoulder, “even if you are a bit awkward.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m worse than just awkward,” Jon grumbled, “anyways,” he continued, “thanks. For coming to talk to me in the pub. Might be nice to have a friend.”

“Of course.” Georgie grabbed her bag and stood up nudging Jon’s shoulder. “Hey, c’mon. I know a place near here I think you’ll like. Have you been to the History of Science Museum? You seem like a history nerd.”

Jon and Georgie continued to have lunch together every day and they eventually started walking to class with each other. Jon would help her record videos for her vlog, and she would come and watch his band perform. Eventually, Georgie would ask Jon out, which would take him completely by surprise, and they would start dating and eventually get a flat together.

Even though Jon was lead singer in a band, he still didn’t socialize with his bandmates or his fans, so he wasn’t popular. Georgie on the other hand, with her charisma and her vlog, had an abundance of people she knew and was able to get an invite to the biggest party for the end of the Michaelmas Term.

Jon had been studying for his Prelims nonstop for a few weeks and Georgie was starting to get worried for him. “Come on, you need to take a break from studying every once in a while.” She would try coaxing him away from his books, but it would be little use.

Jon would wave her off, not taking his eye off the book, exclaiming, “I’m okay I promise. I just need to make sure I know the material. It’s important.”

Georgie sat on the edge of the bed, facing Jon’s desk, until she had an idea. She got up and went behind Jon and wrapped her arms around him. “Let’s make a deal, hmm? I will continue to let you study as long as you think you’re okay to,  _ if _ you go to the Christmas party with me.”

Jon turned to face Georgie with his nose scrunched at the thought of going to a party. “That sounds absolutely  _ terrible.  _ Parties are loud and there’s too many people and they just aren’t fun.”

Georgie rested her chin on top of his head and shrugged, “that’s true, but I’d be there. And you would get to continue studying. Anyways, I think this party might be fun, if it’s lame, we can leave early. C’mon, please go with me?”

“Fine,” Jon sighed, “I’ll go, but I won’t like it. I’m only going for you. And so I can keep studying. Which I’m going to do now if you’ll let me.”

Georgie laughed and kissed the back of Jon’s head, causing him to smile and blush a little as he went back to reading his history books, and she jumped into bed to watch TV.

Georgie went over to the bathroom mirror to check her outfit one more time. After looking at her dress, black with ornamental stars covering the skirt and silver tinsel wrapping its way up the body. Deciding she was pleased with her outfit, Georgie went out to find her boyfriend outside on the patio smoking.

She took the cigarette from Jon’s fingers and cupped the side of his face, rubbing her thumb against his cheek as he leaned into her palm. “You know smoking’s bad for you.” Georgie put out the butt in the tray next to them and gave Jon a kiss on the forehead. “C’mon, let’s get you inside and ready for the party.”

At the mention of the party, Jon grumbled and looked down at the ground. Georgie knew he was nervous about it, but she was worried about him being cooped up in their flat for so long. She was determined to get him out of the house and around other people, for his own health.

“Hey,” Georgie started, “it’ll be okay. You can stay with me. And if it gets to be too much we can leave, okay? I feel like you’re going to have a good time though.” Jon gave her words a moment of thought and then nodded and gave her a hug. Georgie jokingingly shoved him away and waved her hand in front of her nose. “Pee-ew Jon, you smell. Go take a shower,” Georgie teased. “And when you get out I have the  _ best _ sweater for you to wear to the party.”

Jon stood in the back of the flat, messing with the balls on the Christmas sweater Georgie had picked out for him. It had a grey cat with a Santa hat printed on the front with a red bow. Coming off the sweater there was a bell at the cat's collar, and then red ribbons and white balls spread out on the rest of it. Jon had to say, he did find it quite charming though.

He scanned the room, looking for Georgie, and spotted her talking to a couple about halfway across the room, holding two cups. She had been on the way to get Jon and herself drinks but it looked like she had gotten caught up talking to a few other partygoers. Jon felt like he stood out standing in the corner by himself, but he also was anxious about talking to people at the party other than Georgie, so he decided that he would just wait for her to finish talking and make her way back over to him.

However, while he was looking over in Georgie’s direction she looked up and caught his eye, and waved for him to come over. Jon groaned and made his way over to where she was standing, taking one of the drinks from her and pulling her in when she wrapped her arm around his waist. Jon introduced himself to the couple, whose names he learned were Adam and James, and started drinking his punch as a way to not talk to anyone.

As they stood there, Georgie kept talking to Adam and James about some myths they had talked about in some of their courses over ancient history. Jon wasn’t paying much attention but heard them talking about the Norse myth where Odin loses his eye and smiled, thinking about how he was dating a nerd. He kept standing there, silently messing with his cup and periodically drinking from it until it was empty.

Jon was starting to feel warm so he offered to go get drink refills for the group, but when they said they were all good and still had plenty in their cups, Jon went to go fill up his own. After refilling his drink he decided to walk around to see if he could find anyone he knew. The only person he recognized was Frank, but Jon didn’t want to talk to them since they never really hung out outside of band practice. Jon finished his cup and went to refill it, and then returned to Georgie.

When Jon got over to the group, Georgie grabbed his free hand and started to lead him to the living room. “Hey, we’re going to play never have I ever with shots, do you want in?”

Jon nodded, “Sure, let me just finish my drink real fast,” and he drank what punch was left in his cup.

Georgie looked at him funny and asked, “how much have you had to drink tonight?”

“Just like three cups of punch. I didn’t drink any beer or anything.”

“Oh my god, Jon. There’s alcohol in the punch. You’re going to be so drunk later. Are you sure you want to play?”

“Oh,” Jon, thinking about how warm he had been getting when drinking, was kicking himself for not realizing the punch was spiked. He was having a good time though and wanted to keep hanging out with Georgie. “Of course, it’ll be fun,” he said, shrugging and leaning against Georgie.

Georgie and Jon sit down on the floor in the circle with the rest of the partygoers who are playing the game and get their shots.

“Alright,” the game leader says, “let's start out easy. Never have I ever cheated on a test?” Georgie and a lot of the rest of the group took a shot immediately. “Gotcha.”

The rounds kept going with questions such as, Never have I ever had sex, never have I ever streaked, never have I ever ran a red light, never have I ever skinny dipped and never have I ever received a lap dance.

Jon hadn’t taken any drinks while Georgie was down a total of four shots and was starting to get really drunk. The next question came up, “never have I ever kissed anyone,” and when Georgie saw Jon not take a drink she was shocked.

“Wait, really?” She asked him. “You’ve never kissed or like been kissed by anyone?”

Jon could feel his cheeks turning red and looked down and shrugged, “I don’t know. Honestly, you’re the first person I’ve dated. We give each other kisses on the cheek, but no, not really.”

“Do you want to?” Georgie asked and there were a few  _ oooooo _ ’s in the background from the other players but she just flipped them off and looked at Jon.

Jon paused, unsure on how to respond. “I don’t know. Yes, I think, but, I want to wait until we’re sober. Want it to be…special, I guess,” Jon said trailing off at the end.

Georgie smiled and kissed the top of his head, “that’s okay. Have you even taken a shot this game?” Jon shook his head. “Loser,” she said gently punching his arm.

The game went on for about ten more rounds and ended with a drink count of Jon two (he drank for staying up all night studying before a test and being arrested) and Georgie nine. Georgie had called a friend to come pick them up from the party so they were waiting on the couch talking to a group of people while they waited.

“Did you know there was a book called  _ Futility _ that is about a large ocean liner called the  _ Titan _ that hits an iceberg in April in the North Atlantic that didn’t have enough lifeboats for the passengers? Sounds almost like the sinking of the  _ Titanic _ right? Yeah, it does, here’s the thing though.  _ Futility _ came out in 1898 and the  _ Titanic _ sank in 1912, fourteen years after the book was published.”

Jon was lying across Georgie’s lap as she played with his hair and was telling the rest of the group some facts he knew about the  _ Titanic. _ He didn’t remember why he was talking about it, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop and everyone seemed interested.

“There was also said to be the mummy of, uh, let me think, Amen-Ra, on board the  _ Titanic _ when it sank. That mummy was said to be cursed because many who came in contact with it were met with misfortune or even death. However. It was just a myth. Happier news was that there was a black Newfoundland dog named Rigel who was said to have saved a number of passengers from dying in the water.” Jon took a moment to think, “actually Rigel is also debated to be true or not.”

Georgie, still messing with his hair, started laughing, “God you are such a nerrrrrd. Maybe I could talk about that mummy on the ghost podcast I’ve been thinking about though.”

“Mm you think so?”

“Yeah,” her phone buzzed and she checked it and pushed Jon, letting him roll off and almost flop onto the floor, “c’mon Julia’s here.”

Jon and Georgie, both still very drunk, stumbled out to the car, where Jon spent the car ride babbling about sand cats.

When Jon and Georgie got home, they went and cuddled on the couch. Apparently, Jon was learning, he was an affectionate drunk. They cuddled and held hands and watched  _ Doctor Who _ reruns.

Jon was starting to fall asleep on Georgie's shoulder when she nudged him awake and pointed to his arm, “looks like you got a little buddy there,” she said. He looked down to see a little black spider crawling on his sweater and he immediately leapt from his spot on the couch. Jon ripped the sweater off over his head and threw it across the room as far away from him as possible and started scratching at his arm, as if the spider were still there. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t think straight and was shaking so bad he could barely stand. Georgie rushed from the couch, trying her best to keep herself from falling over, and ran over to Jon to try to calm him down.

“Jon, hey, Jon,” Georgie tried. He looked at her, but there was little recognition in his eyes. “Hey Jon, it’s Georgie, you’re okay. There’s no spider on you. I’m going to grab you okay?” She waited until Jon gave a slight nod and then placed one hand on his shoulder and grabbed his hand with her other to get him to stop scratching.

“There we go. Come on, let’s go to the couch, okay? Nothing there will hurt you.” She led Jon to the couch and had him sit down while she took care of the spider that was still in the sweater that Jon threw across the room. Once the spider was gone and Jon was calmed down, Georgie sat next down to the exhausted young man. “Do you want to go lay down?” Georgie asked him, seeing how tired he looked and knowing how panic attacks make him feel. Jon nodded so Georgie helped him off the couch and led him to the bedroom where they laid together in the bed.

After about thirty minutes passed, Georgie gently nudged Jon’s shoulder. “Hey,” she asked, “are you awake?”

Jon quietly shifted in the bed and faced Georgie and nodded, “yeah, I’m sorry I freaked out earlier.” He rolled over and groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Something happened when I was young involving a spider and it has stuck with me ever since.”

“What happened?” Georgie asked. They had been dating for a few months now and this was the first time Jon was saying anything about a childhood experience and her interest was piqued.

“Hmm?” Jon put his hands down and raised an eyebrow at Georgie, clearly having no idea what she was talking about.

She rolled her eyes playfully saying “you said that you had an experience when you were younger that caused you to not like spiders. What happened?” At this point Georgie had sat up and was watching Jon waiting to hear what he had to say.

“Oh, forget about that. It’s nothing worth talking about.” Jon was starting to get nervous and flushed.

“C’mon,” Georgie tried to nudge the story out of him, but Jon hadn’t told anyone since he was eight and he was scared about being rejected again so he wasn’t too thrilled at the idea.

Jon sat up to meet Georgies eye level, taking a moment for the room to stop spinning from the alcohol, and looked at her. “It’s stupid. Everyone says I imagined it.”

“Jon, I am writing a podcast about ghosts and the supernatural, I don’t think there is much that you can say that will make me think that you’re crazy. Unless you say something like you got abducted by pirates who were actually aliens who needed kids to clean their ship or something.”

“Well, actually Georgie,” Jon started before Georgie gave him a shove and both of them started laughing.

Georgie got out of the bed and offered Jon a hand up. “I know we’ve been drinking all night, but I feel like this situation calls for some drinks.” They went to the kitchen and Georgie poured them some of the wine that they had in the cabinet.

“So,” Georgie started while Jon got comfortable on the stool, “what happened? Did your cat bring a huge cardinal spider inside and put it on your pillow?”

Jon shuddered at the thought and shook his head. “Um, no,” he started. “I want you to know that I’m not lying to you. This isn’t my imagination or anything, I know what I saw; I know what happened. Okay?” Once Georgie nodded he continued.

“So, when I was eight there was this book,  _ A Guest for Mr. Spider _ . It was a kids book, it wasn’t supposed to be bad. Reading it though, I don’t know, it put you in some sort of trance and you weren’t in control of yourself and when I read it I ended up in the park where this guy who bullied me, um, shit, I think his name was Henry but I don’t remember, well he was there. Anyways he took the book from me and he was in the trance state and started walking away and I was mad and started following him and when we got to this one house he put the book up to it and knocked.” 

Jon shifted and reached out to hold Georgie’s hand and continued. “And Georgie, I know how this sounds but I  _ swear _ to you I am not lying, but he knocked and a huge spider creature reached out and dragged him into the house. I know how it sounds. I wouldn’t believe it myself if someone else was saying it, but I know what I saw. I saw him get dragged in by this huge spider and I also know that it should've been me instead and the only reason it wasn’t was because he chose to take the book from me that day.”

Jon was starting to shake from anxiety, both of telling the story for the first time in years and remembering how close he came to death that day. He reached out for the wine cup in front of him so he would have something in his hands to mess with and he kept looking down in his lap as tears started to well up in his eyes.

Georgie sat silently for a second before getting up and wrapping her arms around Jon. “I’m so sorry that happened, and I believe you.“

Jon wrapped his arms around her and rested his head in the crook of her neck and started to cry. Ever since he was little he had kept what had happened to himself because he was tired of no one believing him. Hearing Georgie say that she trusted him made him feel secure in a way he had never felt before. Of course, he was still terrified of spiders, but at least there was one person on the planet who understood  _ why _ .

After a few minutes passed, they decided to straighten up and head to bed. Jon woke up first and decided to clean the kitchen for Georgie before she woke up. When she finally does he smiles and says, “thank you for last night.”

“What happened?” she asks.

“For everything, but mainly for talking with me.”

“Oh, you're welcome I guess. In all honesty, Jonny Boy, I don’t remember anything after the party. I think I drank too much, my head is killing me,” Georgie said while squinting at the lights.

“Oh, okay. Well go lay down and I will bring you some breakfast and ibuprofen. How’s that sound?” Jon asked.

“Fantastic,” Georgie grumbled with a smile before turning around and stumbling back into the bedroom.

Jon turned around, leaned on the counter, and sighed. _So much for someone finally believing me._ _Maybe she only believed me because she was drunk anyways,_ Jon thought, _yeah, that was probably it._

Jon decided it was probably best if he kept what happened to himself instead of telling her again. He had kept it to himself for this long, what would a little longer change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I made Jon trans, yes I made Jon disabled. And who doesn't love Georgie?
> 
> Song at the beginning is Laid in Blood by The Mechanisms


	3. I'd like the company through every twist and turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an incident in the safe house, it is time for Jon and Martin to have a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art in this chapter was done by [martinsmurderousintent](https://martinsmurderousintent.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr!
> 
> Chapter title from Grow as we Go by Ben Platt

The first few days in the cabin, Jon and Martin sat next to each other a lot, usually in silence. After months of avoiding and being avoided, they were going to need to take some time to get used to being with each other again. Jon was going to have to learn how to treat Martin with respect and kindness and Martin was going to have to learn that he wasn’t responsible for everyone else, but that he also had to let people in, which is hard when the Lonely has you in its grasp.

After the third day, Martin suggested that they unpack what little belongings they were able to bring along with them and Jon agreed that it was probably for the best. They started in the bedroom, setting up the record player to play a _Queen_ vinyl that they found tucked away in the back of the closet.

Jon was about to put away his sweater, but decided it was a bit chilly so put it on instead. After putting a few of his button ups in the closet he noticed Martin looking at him and raised an eyebrow. “Yes, Martin?”

“Oh, nothing, sorry,” Martin stuttered out, flushing. “Just, couldn’t help noticing that you were wearing my sweater.”

“No I’m not, this is mine!” Jon exclaimed. Looking down at the sweater though, he realized it definitely wasn’t his size. “Oh.”

“It’s okay, you can keep it on for now. It’s a bit chilly and it looks good on you.”

“Thank you, Martin,” Jon said, blushing. “I think I’m about done in here so I’m going to go unpack the stuff in the kitchen. If you need me, holler.”

Jon was in the kitchen, humming along with _Killer Queen_ playing from the bedroom where Martin was still unpacking clothes, putting away a stack of dishes. Jon opened the last box and grabbed the blue mug of Martin’s resting on top and went to put it on the shelf when a small spider scuttled out from the cup and onto Jon’s hand.

Jon screamed, dropping the mug, where it went falling to the ground, shattering into pieces.

“Jon?!” Martin exclaimed, quickly rushing in the room as soon as he heard Jon scream. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Jon was bent over the sink, clutching his hand to his chest, shaking and breathing deeply. When he noticed Martin he just shook his head and waved him off, “it’s nothing, just a spider. It’s fine.”

Martin’s stance relaxed a bit and he walked over to Jon and gently grabbed him, leading him to the chair. “Here, let me make some tea and we can go sit down for awhile. I think a break will be good about now.”

“I’m fine, Martin.” Jon felt stupid. He was thirty-one and he still couldn’t get over an event that happened when he was eight. Martin was right, spiders are harmless. Well, when you take out the association with The Web that is. And the ones that were poisonous. They aren’t worth the reaction he has everytime he is near one though.

“Hey,” Jon hears, cutting through his thoughts, looking up to see Martin in front of him holding two mugs. “Let’s go to the living room, okay?” Jon nodded and followed Martin to the ratty old couch.

“Don’t worry about the mug by the way, I didn’t care much for that one anyway,” Martin said after a few minutes of silence.

Jon nodded in response and sighed. “I’m sorry, if I hadn’t freaked out it wouldn’t have broken. I made you freak out and-“

“It’s okay, Jon,” Martin said, cutting him off. “I understand having fears. I’m not the biggest fan of heights myself.”

“It’s stupid! I’m an adult and I shouldn’t be acting like this over something that happened twenty-three years ago.” Jon yelled and then slumped forward, putting his head in his hands. “I’m acting like a child.”

Martin was quiet for a few moments before quietly asking, “what happened?”

“Hmm?” Jon turned to look at him. “Oh, you mean when I was eight. I haven’t really told anyone. Not in a way that counts.”

“Why?”

Jon shrugged. “I tried telling my grandma and an officer when it happened but they said it was my imagination. I told Georgie in uni, but it was after a party and we were drunk and she, well, she forgot. I just gave up trying. It isn’t worth the ordeal of not being believed.”

“You can tell me. With all the shit we’ve been through there isn’t anything I wouldn’t believe at this point,” Martin said with a chuckle.

“I’m not sure,” Jon said hesitantly. “Like I said, I haven’t told anyone in awhile.”

“Would it help if I told you about my childhood? I know it’s not the same, but it can be like one shitty childhood experience for another,” Martin offered.

“I don’t want to make you go through that,” Jon said hesitantly.

“It’s okay, I’m offering.”

“If that’s what you want,” Jon said with a nod, pulling his knees up to his chin.

Martin shifted until he was facing Jon, one arm across the back of the couch and one leg crossed over the other. He laid his head back, closed his eyes and sighed. “Let’s see, where to begin.”

“I had a good childhood, at least I remember feeling happy before mum got sick. That’s when things started to get bad. Dad didn’t want to take care of her and he just walked out one day. Came home from work, packed his bags, and left. Didn’t even say goodbye. Mum was never the same after that,” Martin said with a slight chuckle, even though there was no amusement in his tone.

“I did my best to take care of her, but I was just a kid and I couldn’t do enough. I was trying to take care of her, but I didn’t know what to do and she was always upset, which was understandable. I mean, she was in so much pain, and I got in the way a lot.” Martin was staring up at the ceiling, seemingly not noticing anything in the room. “For example, sometimes when she would be asleep I would make too much noise and wake her up. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“When I grew older I dropped out of school to get a job and provide for her, but it wasn’t enough. She ended up just telling me to put her in a home. I tried so hard, but I just wasn’t good enough for her.” Jon could see some tears starting to form in Matin’s eyes and carefully reached out and touched his hand before wrapping his fingers around Martin’s. “Elias, um, Jonah, I guess, he told– he showed me that my mom hated me because I look like my dad and I reminded her of how he walked out on her, but I also think it has to do with the fact I was just not good enough. I was just a bad son, you know?”

Jon squeezed Martin’s hand and shuffled close to him, putting his palm on Martin's cheek and turning his head to look into his eyes. “You were not a bad son. You were compassionate, loving, and hard-working and you did everything in your power to take care of your mother.”

“Thanks,” Martin said as Jon wiped away one of his tears. He sat up and scooted closer to Jon. “So, what’s your story?”

Jon shook his head, “I don’t know. I feel stupid talking about it, especially after that. It sounds completely ridiculous compared to what you just said.”

Martin laughed, “what could it possibly be? You got eaten by a spider? You’re still here so it can’t be that.”

“Well,” Jon started, rubbing the back of his neck, “almost, yeah.”

“Oh,” Martin said quietly, sinking back into the couch, “sorry, it was supposed to be a joke. I shouldn’t have joked. I mean, I’ve seen the things that could happen to people through our job, I just, I didn’t think ya know-“

“It’s fine, Martin.” Jon started. “You didn’t know.” Jon leaned back and curled his legs up on the couch.

“It happened when I was eight years old. I was an annoying kid and to keep me busy, my grandmother would get me books from local charities for me to read, often without looking at the title. Sometimes that meant textbooks and sometimes that meant kiddie books. One time she brought home this box of books and there was this kids book in it, _A Guest for Mr. Spider_ it was called.”

“A Leitner?” Martin asked.

Jon nodded, “yeah, on the inside it had his logo. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but it’s haunted me to this day. One reason I hate Leitners so much. Anyways, when I read the book, it had me in some sort of trance and I ended up in the park where this guy, I forget his name but I want to say it was Michael.” Jon sighed. “I wish I could remember, I owe him that at least.”

“Anyways, he was eighteen and bullied me often, but he picked a bad time that day. He picked up the book and started to make fun of me for reading a “kiddies book” but he started reading and next thing I knew he was walking off, no longer paying attention to me and I followed him to this house. He took the book and put it up to the door and he knocked on it, and when he knocked the door opened and he was taken in by this large spider creature. He didn’t even have time to scream. I couldn’t do anything and I just ran off. I tried telling my grandmother and the police but they said it was my imagination.” Jon sat forward and hunched over wrapping his arms around himself.

“It should’ve been me that was taken. It was my book, and maybe if it had happened to me everything would be fine. Maybe Tim and Sasha would be alive and-“

“Stop it.” Martin grabbed Jon’s shoulders and turned him around to look at him. “Don’t say that. You didn’t deserve to be eaten by some spider creature. Especially as a child. And you don’t know what may or may not have happened, so don’t even think about it.” Martin pulled Jon into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around him. “I’m so sorry no one believed you Jon. You deserved to be heard. I am so sorry that happened to you.”

Jon wrapped his arms around Martin and squeezed, burying his head in the crook of Martin's neck. There’s something special in being able to tell the one you love a secret and have them believe you when others you’ve trusted haven’t. Jon knew that there would be more difficult conversations down the line, they were starting a relationship after all, but he was also comforted by the fact that they can share their secrets and be listened to and trusted, and that made Jon feel at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my fic! You can find me on tumblr at tonyjasper99 and Twitter @TonyJasper99. Make sure to check out the other Big Bang fics!

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me of Tumblr at tonyjasper99 or Twitter @TonyJasper99


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